Get out of your own way
“I am the greatest obstacle to my greatest dreams.”
―
What is self-sabotage?
We have all heard of self- sabotage but do we really understand what it is and how it is impacting our lives.
We often see Self-sabotage creep up when we are in a state of transition – ie. Trying to break a negative behaviour pattern, or strive to achieve a goal. Think of the new years resolutions we make and break before the first month of the year has passed!
Self-sabotage is behaviour (action or inaction) that interferes with or prevents you from achieving long-standing goals. Self-sabotage can manifest with negative thought patterns that prevent you from doing what you want to do.
Self – sabotage is us getting in our own way, being our own worst enemy.
What does self-sabotage look like?
Let’s start with a simple example.
When we are looking to lose weight and get fit, we often start off with good intentions, bags of motivation, but maybe after a week or so or even after a few days of sticking to the plan we start negotiating with ourselves.
‘I’ve been ‘good’ all day/week, so eating this piece of chocolate wont’ hurt – I deserve a reward/treat’
We’ve all been there!
Our minds are rationalising why eating this piece of chocolate is the right decision, even when we know that it undermines our progress.
We can all resonate with this right? And we have all engaged in a bit of self-sabotage at one time or another.
Self-talk self-sabotage
One the most common ways we self-sabotage is through the words we use, both when we talk to ourselves and the words we say about ourselves to others.
Negative self talk is an obvious one. We engage in negative self talk because we are masking underlying fears. We tell ourselves we can’t before we have even tried.
“I don’t have time’ is an example of this.
Sometimes, the words are simply excuses, which we then believe.
For example, saying, “I don’t have time”, often mean is “I don’t want to” but using the lack of time feels like a more socially acceptable reason for our refusal.
Of course there are instances when time can feel like a barrier, BUT and here is a big BUT….
We need to be really honest with ourselves.
Is time the real issue or is it something else?
When “I don’t have time” becomes an excuse for not prioritising areas of our life that matter, such as finding our purpose, engaging in self-care or pursuing our dreams, then it’s self-sabotage.
Our language around a perceived lack of time is self-sabotaging our ability to get started and taking action on the things that matter.
Other phrases that effectively self-sabotage our motivation and keep us playing small, include, “I don’t know how” (my daughter say’s this ALL THE TIME) which acts as a reinforcer for our minds to stay in our comfort zone, and thus, not learn and grow.
Classic self-sabotage!
What about “I’m not ready”. “I need to get this qualification, complete this course”. By using this phrase, we stay in the planning and preparation mode, which certainly keeps us busy but it doesn’t move us forward in true action.
This is another way our self talk sabotages us. I call this our con language.
I have used this myself.
My original career path was to train as a psychologist – I had worked really hard to prepare for this, completed the degree course, obtained the right amount of work experience, there were limited places and thousands of applicants – the odds were not in my favour.
As I attempted over and over again, and not quite reaching the finish line I was filling my time acquiring more and more knowledge.
I took masters degree courses in psychology, I took short courses, long courses, certifications…. I consumed anything and everything I could to acquire more and more knowledge.
I ended up with a long list of qualifications none of which were helpful in moving me forward toward the goal of getting onto a doctorate degree course. I mean they didn’t hurt but it was unnecessary in moving forward toward that specific goal.
I was using a perceived ‘lack of knowledge’ as an excuse to not do the thing, not take the action to what I really needed to do.
I mean what is the point of knowledge without action? It just stays in your head stagnating!
Mindset self-sabotage
One of the other common ways we self-sabotage is through our mindset or beliefs.
We rationalise our behaviour as being aligned with a particular ethos or school of thought. But then take that approach too far, to the point where it becomes an excuse to stay in our comfort zone, avoid minor changes, or remain in a situation that we claim we want to move on from.
The simplest example of this can be around our self-worth. We play small, and choose to scrape by with objects, relationships or roles that are okay but far from ideal.
Another example is when we rationalise not investing in ourselves or not opening that ‘special’ bottle of perfume or spending money on nice things that we desire. We are telling ourselves ‘I am not worth that investment’. Whether that investment is time money or energy.
This comes down to mindset yet is a major self-sabotaging behaviour.
I see this with friends, family and even clients; they will happily invest in the best schools and latest gadgets for their children, but when spending money on themselves that will propel them further towards their own dreams and desires, they hesitate.
Self-sabotage in our life
When we are wanting to make more significant changes in our life, we may find self-sabotaging behaviours showing up in different ways. What is important is to develop an awareness of it, call it out and seek to understand the root cause.
When you allow self-sabotage to blight your life you are limiting your progress, hindering your growth and affecting your overall wellbeing.
In working with my own self sabotage and those of clients I have often find there is a fear or block that needs to be addressed.
The antidote to self-sabotage is action.
Remember, most people regret the actions they did not take, not the actions they did take.
3 ways to get out of your own way & take action
- Focus on your strengths
Firstly, when taking action to avoid self-sabotage, embrace and focus on your strengths. This is one of the core things I work on with my coaching clients.
As part of this, we review what others see as your best qualities and achievements.
If asking others feels daunting, you can also do this for yourself.
Get started by choosing to act like a detective to find evidence of your strengths and achievements.
Review and note the areas you are also most proud of about your qualities or accomplishments.
Write them down and keep them close to hand and next time you are having a crisis of confidence – you can refer to this to give you a boost.
confidence helps shift you into action.
- Embrace accountability
Another way to ensure we take action and avoid self-sabotage is to be accountable Enlist the support of a close friend, a coach, or another trusted confidante to keep you accountable.
Most people find it easier to stick to habits, or accountability if they have someone else helping them to do so.
I know I find having external accountability helps with tasks that I feel nervous or anxious about. And making changes in any area of lives can be scary right?
- Ask yourself a question
Asking yourself, ‘What’s the worst that could happen?” This is a good way to call out those self-sabotaging behaviours and thoughts
The right question at the right time is a powerful thing!
This is, after all, a core part of coaching; asking the right question at the appropriate time to support the clients reframe their thinking.
I use this technique for myself to avoid moments of self-sabotage.
I simply ask myself, ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’
And it is easy and quick to do. All it requires is jotting down the answer to ‘what’s the worst that if I make this change?’
A sentence or two usually suffices for the answer. Very occasionally, more detailed journaling is needed. But invariably the worst that could happen is not bad at all.
And it’s nearly always a whole lot better than staying stuck where I am!
Fortune favours the brave.
Action encourages more action
Invariably, when we take action, we feel a greater sense of control and this releases feelings of positivity about the changes we want to make in our lives.
With increased action, we make tangible progress that we can see and feel and this reinforces those feelings of confidence and positivity.
When we act, keep accountable and allow our confidence to grow, we build momentum and the unhelpful thoughts and behaviours such as procrastination and self-sabotage are shown the door.
What areas of your life are plagued with self-sabotage?
How does this impact you achieving your goals?
Do you need help overcoming this and propelling your life and goals forward?
Are you ready to take action and get out of your own way?
Book a call with me and we can discuss how coaching can support you with removing the barriers to your potential.